WARNING: 25 Outrageous & Lame Gifts You Should NEVER Get Your Girlfriend
February 11, 2009 by Gwen
Unfortunately most guys leave their Valentine’s Day gift shopping until the absolute last minute available. That means they usually end up getting their girlfriend the old box-o-chocolates stand-by, exorbantly over-priced flowers or some crappy stuffed animal in varying shades of blinding red and pink.
Does this sound like you? If it does, boy do you have some making up to do this Valentine’s Day.
Since you must have some other ‘special’ talents that make it possible for you to keep a girlfriend but you are a little pathetic in the shopping department, we have compiled a list of off-limit items for you. No matter how cute or romantic you think anything is on this list, this is your warning to save you from the inevitable dumping you have coming soon.
25. A Virtual Gift
It doesn’t matter what you choose from their large virtual selection of flowers, jewelry, cars or vacations. No matter what you pick you will look like the cheapest tool alive.
Your girlfriend has been hinting for diamonds so don’t disappoint her by buying her this ‘diamond’ key ring. I bet that fake diamond can do of lot of damage to your face once she throws it in yours.
This really seems like a gift for you. It looks like a lightly veiled excuse to get her gnawing on your naughty parts. Even if she falls for your ploy I bet that high-quality gummy substance will have her gagging in 30 seconds flat or leave you feeling sticky like you just did something bad in your pants.
Price: It’s homemade so it’s cheap (oh, and it looks cheap too)
Lot’s of girls like homemade artsy crafty stuff but they don’t really appreciate the effort until they get old and become a Mom. So if you are hoping to get lucky this Valentine’s don’t even bother breaking out your drill or paints, your chick wants you to buy something with cold, hard cash.
21. Fireplace DVD
If you were considering a real portable fireplace, well, that’s pretty romantic. But you must be a close relative of the baboon family if you think you are going to get any brownie points with this gift. Seriously, she will be under-whelmed at best by this moronic attempt at romance.
Who doesn’t like pizza? I mean c’mon, you probably had some cold pizza for breakfast this morning, didn’t you? That’s the problem. Pizza is just too ‘everyday’. Not only do you look like you picked this up at the last minute (which you did), it also proves that you put absolutely no thought whatsoever into getting her a Valentine’s Day gift. But if you like eating your pizza in the doghouse, then go right ahead.
Price: $15.00 - $48.00
In the name of all that is good and green what in the hell were the folks in Thailand thinking when they made these roses out of elephant poop? I don’t care how much your girlfriend wants to save the rain forests; she will not appreciate any type of gift made out of recycled poop.
Price: Sometimes free but usually available from the SPCA for the price of their shots
I know you think that kittens and puppies look really cute and cuddly but they are actually more work then you think. And what happens if she starts resenting you for giving her all this extra responsibility that she never asked for, or worse, she starts letting it sleep in the bed and she fusses over it more than you.
I know the words ‘diamond’ and ‘gold’ appear in the description, but believe me when I say she does not want any cheap-ass 1/10-carat diamond or discount gold-plated pendant. And she especially does not want anything you bought at Wal-Mart.
Price: $28.00 for the set
These adorable t-shirts may seem like a great idea at first and they will definitely let everyone know that she is your girl. But seriously… are either of you really going to want to wear these in public?
First of all, this thing is damn ugly no matter what color you choose and secondly, how the hell are you going to sneak your hand up under her sweater while you snuggle on the couch if she has this stupid thing on?
Price: $54.99 - $74.99
See above comments dumb-ass.
Price: $35.00 for the set
This may seem like the perfect thing for those long, romantic walks in the brisk air but c’mon, how often do you forge out into the cold under the pretense of going on a lovely stroll? Besides, what happens when your hands get all sweaty and she doesn’t want to hold them anymore? She is left wearing one over-sized, drafty mitten and you are left with one lame red mitten and one freezing hand.
Basically what you are saying is that Valentine’s Day is not going to be any better than any other day spent with you. If this is the best that you can do you are lucky to even have a girlfriend.
Price: 9 cookies for $61.00
You may think that nothing says ‘I love you’ like baked goods. But did you know that according to a study by Nutrition Journal 83% of college women diet no matter how much they weigh? Now brainiac, leave the cookies alone.
10. Pink Appliances
Price: $49.99 - $349.99 depending on the appliance
Getting your girlfriend something pink that also supports a good cause like Breast Cancer Research just seems like a winner. But, as soon as you enter the word appliance into the mix you have a recipe for disaster. Basically, you’ve just given her housework in a box. Maybe she should get you that weed whacker you’ve been wishing for.
Prices: Custom Package – $54.00
Deluxe Package – $109.95
Ultimate Package - $154.95
You love your girl up to the stars and back but naming a star after her is a little over-the-top. Plus, how is she supposed to show it off to her girlfriends? …“No, you’re looking in the wrong spot, it’s the shiny one over there.”
8. Wii Fit
Earlier we mentioned that lots of women diet on a regular basis, so now you are thinking that the WiiFit is a great idea. WRONG. Any type of exercising device will immediately make her assume that you think she is fat. Even if she is, you better not let her know or those deadly curves she’s got will be off-limits to your scrawny ass.
Price: $149.99 for the panda
If you get her a huge stuffed animal she is most likely going to set it on her bed. Then when you go over to her place to get a little somethin’, somethin’ she’ll take it off her bed and put it on the chair next to it. Next thing you know, you feel like it is staring at you, judging you, mocking your performance. That can’t go anywhere good.
Price: $105 – 125.00 + travel costs
A Singing Telegram has the potential to be a big hit for everyone at the office except for your girlfriend. Her probable embarrassment and humiliation in front of her co-workers should be enough of a deterrent but if you need more reasons, thoughts of her vengeful wrath should keep you away from this likely disaster.
Not every personal billboard has to announce someone’s impending divorce, you could also rent one to announce your love to the world. However, if you really love her you’d get her something she could pawn after your break-up instead of something she’ll talk about for hours on end to her therapist.
Price: $800 - $1100
Unless your girlfriend wears size 4 or less, you should not be getting her lingerie for Valentine’s Day. But if you like to balance on that high-wire of love and boldly go where others have failed, at least avoid any lingerie that includes a GPS. You may think it’s cute and funny but I bet she thinks it’s creepy and stalkerish.
Prices start at $1500
Don’t be a moron. If you’ve got over $1500 to blow, then buy her some gorgeous jewelry, take her away to a nice country inn and spend the weekend in bed getting rewarded for your thoughtfulness *wink wink*.
2. Any Type of Ring In a Ringbox
Unless you are planning on popping the BIG question this Valentine’s Day, any type of ring in a box is a serious mistake. Once she sees that box she will be expecting one thing and one thing only. She will either try to avoid opening it like the plague or pounce on it and rip it open only to discover that she is dating a dipwad.
Price: Usually between $80 - $120.00/hr
Did you know that the divorce rate in America is still documented at around 45% - 50%? Did you know that a tattoo is permanent? And I’m not talking permanent marker that eventually comes off, I’m talking about ink injected into your skin kind of permanent.