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Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

dryer Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Above: A drawing of the alleged interviewee.

The following is my interview with an anonymous dryer. In an effort to preserve its secrecy, I won’t give out its make or model.

Me: I’ll bet you’re eager to dispel this first dryer myth. What do you know about the sock thieves that steal one of a pair from loads of laundry? Is there some kind of sock fairy or urchin or … ?

Dryer X: Well, I’m not presently at liberty to discuss that. I don’t enjoy eating laundry, I’ll tell you that much. Burp.

sock Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Me: What are your pet peeves? I wouldn’t want to get on my dryer’s bad side.

Dryer X: Dryer balls. Ever seen those things? Sure, they’re better for the environment… Groan. I mean, it feels like a perpetual, merciless dodge ball beatdown except the bouncy balls have spikes.

dryer-balls Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Me: Do you ever take revenge out on your owners?

Dryer X: Oh, yeah. We’re a vengeful family, us dryers. One time this kid stuck crayons in his pockets and my insides looked like the crime scene of a rainbow’s violent death. Whenever he’s waiting on his teddy bear or his blankie, it takes hours to dry. Oh, and one time I shrunk an XL sweater small enough to fit a teacup Chihuahua. Muahhaahhhah!

teacup-chihuahua Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Me: Finish this sentence for me: “I adore…”

Dryer X: “Lint trap brushes.” At first, I was all “Hey, haven’t you ever heard about personal space people?” but fyooh! What a difference. I feel like I can breathe.

Me: Who are your personal heroes?

Dryer X: Dishwashers. A machine that can wash and dry? It’s inspiring to me. It’s so quiet compared to the washer and me. That whoosh purr is after my own heart.

Me: Worst fears?

Dryer X: Spontaneous combustion. What a mess. Oh, and spiders. If I’m starting to shake and make screechy noises, I’m either about to break down or trying to get away from a spider.

dryer-hose-on-fire Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Me: What are your aspirations, hopes, or goals?

Dryer X: I’m not out to impress anybody. I just wanna outlive the washer. Talk about a wet blanket. Maybe I’ll get recycled and become a motorcycle. Or a space station.

international-space-station Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer

Me: What would you not want to be recycled into?

Dryer X: I’ll tell you who I don’t envy is the vacuum. What a dirty job. My mother would slap me if my trap were that filthy.

Natalie
 

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