Rough and Tumble: A Conversation With A Dryer
Above: A drawing of the alleged interviewee.
The following is my interview with an anonymous dryer. In an effort to preserve its secrecy, I won’t give out its make or model.
Me: I’ll bet you’re eager to dispel this first dryer myth. What do you know about the sock thieves that steal one of a pair from loads of laundry? Is there some kind of sock fairy or urchin or … ?
Dryer X: Well, I’m not presently at liberty to discuss that. I don’t enjoy eating laundry, I’ll tell you that much. Burp.
Me: What are your pet peeves? I wouldn’t want to get on my dryer’s bad side.
Dryer X: Dryer balls. Ever seen those things? Sure, they’re better for the environment… Groan. I mean, it feels like a perpetual, merciless dodge ball beatdown except the bouncy balls have spikes.
Me: Do you ever take revenge out on your owners?
Dryer X: Oh, yeah. We’re a vengeful family, us dryers. One time this kid stuck crayons in his pockets and my insides looked like the crime scene of a rainbow’s violent death. Whenever he’s waiting on his teddy bear or his blankie, it takes hours to dry. Oh, and one time I shrunk an XL sweater small enough to fit a teacup Chihuahua. Muahhaahhhah!
Me: Finish this sentence for me: “I adore…”
Dryer X: “Lint trap brushes.” At first, I was all “Hey, haven’t you ever heard about personal space people?” but fyooh! What a difference. I feel like I can breathe.
Me: Who are your personal heroes?
Dryer X: Dishwashers. A machine that can wash and dry? It’s inspiring to me. It’s so quiet compared to the washer and me. That whoosh purr is after my own heart.
Me: Worst fears?
Dryer X: Spontaneous combustion. What a mess. Oh, and spiders. If I’m starting to shake and make screechy noises, I’m either about to break down or trying to get away from a spider.
Me: What are your aspirations, hopes, or goals?
Dryer X: I’m not out to impress anybody. I just wanna outlive the washer. Talk about a wet blanket. Maybe I’ll get recycled and become a motorcycle. Or a space station.
Me: What would you not want to be recycled into?
Dryer X: I’ll tell you who I don’t envy is the vacuum. What a dirty job. My mother would slap me if my trap were that filthy.