How Real Men Cook
January 22, 2009 by David
Let’s be honest - real men hate cooking. Don’t get me wrong - we like grilling, barbequing and marinating, hell; we don’t even mind occasionally boiling a pot of water. But when it comes to aprons, whisks and words like ‘béchamel’, ‘demi-glace’ or ‘flambé’, we want no part of it.
Unfortunately for mankind everywhere, we get hungry. In fact, we get really hungry several times a day. Since a man’s got to eat, we’ve come up with a few creative ways you can cook some grub and still keep your manliness intact. After all, we don’t care how it’s cooked as long as we can eat it.
1) Iron Grilled Cheese
Somewhere along the line, we’re sure a friend, a girlfriend or your mom gave you an iron. We suggest taking it out of the box, dusting it off and putting it to good use making a classic grilled cheese sandwich. Just make sure the steam setting isn’t on.
2) Torched Leftovers
Still got some Mushu pork from House of Hong leftover in the fridge? Grab the blowtorch, throw it in a non-plastic dish (we can’t stress this part enough) and give that take-out a good searing. It’s much cooler than using the microwave and who doesn’t like a good excuse to play with fire?
3) Electrofried Hot Dogs
Hot dogs are a staple in any man’s home since they’re so damn easy to cook. You can boil ‘em, fry ‘em, grill ‘em and for the man who loves a dangerous challenge, you can electrocute ‘em, too. All you need are few simple tools like a power cord and wire strippers, and you can enjoy a delicious hot dog and maybe even a 220v shock.
4) Radiator Eggs
Every man likes eggs in the morning and that goes double if you’re hung-over. So when you wake up on a cold morning feeling like a bus hit you, turn up the heat and throw a pan of eggs on the radiator. It’s the ultimate in lazy cooking and if the radiator is next to your couch, you don’t even have to get your hurting ass up.
5) Cooking with 500 Horsepower
One of man’s most prized possessions is his car. They’re reliable, easy to fix and even help pick up the ladies, so it makes sense they can cook our grub too. Whether you’re taking a road trip with the guys or just feel like showing off, you can cook an entire steak and potato meal on your car’s engine. Dirt and grease won’t help the flavor so make sure you have some tin foil on hand.
6) Caveman Cooking
There is no more sacred or manly method of cooking food then over a roaring, open flame. When the iron is broken and the car’s in the shop, get in tune with your ancient cavemen and make a fire pit in your back yard. Grab a lawn chair, open a cold one and you won’t even feel like you’re cooking when the smell of the outdoors and charred beef hits your nostrils.
No meal is complete without a frothy brew to wash it down so for the ultimate beverage dispensing machine, hook up a keg of beer to your fridge’s water dispenser. This gentlemen, is what we like to call a ‘culinary masterpiece’.